ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
