I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
