Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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