I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
