I just pynch a tree in the face
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We have started to decorate penises.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
