Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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