What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
