nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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