so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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