Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
