omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm always down for nudity.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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