I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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