I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize