I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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