Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Did you just see the Batmobile???
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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