Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We're too hungover to prance.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
