I wish I only lived at night.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize