I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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