If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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