I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
