On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
