Umm I'm too high to move.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
