he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
