i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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