i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
