I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
