I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
