The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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