when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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