apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
