so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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