I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
