I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
