If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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