i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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