I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize