he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
