im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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