what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
