I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
