you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
