I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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