I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
