Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
