that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I believe in your delicious
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
