I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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