I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
