why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
from now on my penis is your penis
She said her name was "party"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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