I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Life is so much better after having sex.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
