i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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