im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
