I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
God I need to hump something, right now.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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