Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
