apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
