last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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