Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
