If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
