when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
