I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
